Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Words WIll Always Haunt Me

 

It's close to Halloween, so I thought the title for this blog entry would be a little on the clever side. It is, however, true. I think most adults can remember when someone said something important about them 10 or more years ago. "James, you're such a hard worker; you always give 100%." "James, your insights on this assignment were amazing." "James, you're one of the better Career Planners in the Marine Corps." Personally, I like to remember the positive stuff, but I do remember a lot of negative stuff, too. "Are you retarded? You put the CD on the dresser to get scratched!" "You're ugly, your nose is too big for your face." "You're no good at math. How are you going to make it in this world without knowing Alegbra?" "You're creepy and weird."
Some people spend much of their lives dwelling on mean things people have said to them in the past. Some of these are lies people have told them that they believe. Imagine, wasting your life dwelling on a lie some mean person said to you years ago. Why don't we work on dispelling some of the bad things other people have said to me, shall we?
1. Are you retarded? You put the CD down the wrong way on the dresser to get scratched!
Positive Self-talk: No, I am not intellectually impaired. I still use a Walkman and I am fairly unfamiliar with Compact Discs, as they are just now becoming mainstream. Instead of berating me, maybe you could teach me a little bit more about CDs? I also took an IQ test and scored in the "Superior Intelligence" range, therefore proving my intellect is functioning quite well.
2. You're ugly, your nose is too big for your face."
Positive Self-talk: Being a teenager is an awkward time for almost everybody. Maybe my nose is a bit big for my face? So what? I may grow into it, I may not. I also won't be wearing these braces forever; when I get them off, I will have straight teeth. Why not point out the positive things you see in me instead of the negative?
3. You're no good at math. How are you going to make it in this world without knowing Alegbra?
Positive Self-talk: Later, I will find out that I need glasses, which is why I get a massive headache in Algebra class when I try and squint to see the overhead projector. You may also be a bad teacher, why don't you try to improve your teaching skills? Next semester, I will drop your class and get specialized tutoring and actually learn how to do Alegbra. Years later, I will get a B in Introduction to Probability and Statistics in college, which is a much more difficult math class than yours.
4. You're creepy and weird
Positive Self-talk: I would rather be weird than common. I am my own person, I feel no need to imitate the characters on television or put on a facade to please others. I like to be myself, because I am the only me there will ever be! If you think I am creepy and weird, you don't need to be in my life; I have people who think highly of me and whom I would rather spend time with than you.

The wonderful thing about positive self-talk is that it can be an ongoing conversation you can have with yourself for years into the future to counteract the bad things other people have said to you. You do not have to say something witty and retaliatory on the spot, but it would help to say something like "Why don't you rephrase what you just said to me in a kinder way?" Or "I don't think what you said to me was necessary. Where is this coming from?" In addition to this, you may not have all the answers right away. Later on down the road, you may discover you have gifting in an area where another person may have criticized you in years ago. If someone criticizes your performance, you can say something like "I'm not a professional basketball player, I'm just out here getting exercise and having fun. Why don't you do the same?"

Some people have a zero-defect mentality when it comes to judging themselves. They may feel they may never be pretty enough or cool enough or as good-looking as they would like to be. I would like to tell these people that beauty and coolness are both subjective. Life is not perfect, and neither are you. Find the pleasure and the wonder in life and stop looking for the bad. Thank God that you are uniquely and wonderfully made in His image.

I would like to leave the reader with three questions to consider:

1. Will people be haunted by the good words you speak to them or the bad?
2. What bad things have you said to others that may haunt them?
3. What positive self-talk can you practice to counter negative things people have said to you?

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful day!

Changing and Modifying Goals

In times past, I used to get very upset with myself if I had to ever modify the completion date of a goal. I completed Marine Corps Recruit Training, almost the entire time having strep throat and pneumonia. The medical personnel would not let me in the pool for swim qualification the first day, so I had to sneak my way past them in order to qualify as a competent swimmer; this being required for me to graduate BT Camp on time. Throughout the rest of my 8.5 year career in the Marine Corps, I would kill myself to make goals happen [not kill myself literally, just work through or force the round peg into the square hole]. In part because of this, I had to leave the Marines earlier than I wanted to because the stress and health problems caught up with me.

Now that I am older, I choose to work smarter, not harder and part of that is because I am now more open to changing and/or modifying my goals. Having the ability to change your goals may depend greatly on if you complete that goal, or not. Do you remember the SMART goals? Just for a refresher, SMART goals are:

S = Specific
M = Measurable
A = Attainable
R = Relevant
T = Time-bound

What if you're working towards a goal and you realize it is unattainable? Of course you will have to modify that goal to make it attainable [such as you run into a law stating it is not legal to proceed as you had planned with a business, etc].

A goal can also cease to be relevant because you change your mind about your career, such as you had planned on getting your paralegal certification, but instead you change your mind and want to become a chef.  Those listed above are only a couple of examples, but you see my point.

What is a goal you are struggling with right now that might need to be modified? If you cannot afford a life coach, grab a coffee with a friend who cares about your goals and talk it out. The more you talk about your goals or write details about it in planning, the more likely you are to completing it.

Recently, I've had to roll back the time frame in which I will complete my Master's degree in Business Administration because the full time course load was getting to be too much for me. It will get done, but it will take about six months longer than I had expected it to, unfortunately. Ultimately, this will help the quality of my work and I will get more out of the education I am receiving, but it was still a little bit of a let-down.

If you struggle for too long trying to accomplish a goal; do yourself a favor and modify it. Not doing so will add undue stress to your life, but a modified goal is like getting your second wind in a race; you start doubting if you can maintain your pace until the end, but then you get that extra boost of a second wind and you power through even faster. If you are currently struggling with a goal, please do yourself a favor and give yourself that second wind.